They Them Pronouns

Early in my ESL career, a student asked me a question that made me pause: “If I don’t know someone’s gender, what pronoun do I use?” I reflexively said “they,” without really explaining why or how “they” works as a singular pronoun. It wasn’t until I encountered learners who use they/them pronouns themselves that I realized how important it is to teach this grammar point clearly, respectfully, and accurately.

Today, singular “they” is recognized in major English dictionaries, used in professional writing, and essential for inclusive communication. Whether you’re writing an email about someone, having a conversation, or simply wanting to respect someone’s identity, understanding they/them pronouns is a skill every English learner needs. Here, I’ll cover the grammar, the history, and plenty of practical examples.

What Is a Pronoun?

Before we talk specifically about they/them, let’s establish what pronouns do. A pronoun is a word that takes the place of a noun or noun phrase to avoid repetition. Instead of saying “Sarah went to the store. Sarah bought milk. Sarah came home,” we say “Sarah went to the store. She bought milk. She came home.” The pronoun “she” replaces “Sarah” to keep the text flowing smoothly.

English has several types of pronouns:

Type	Examples	Function
Personal pronouns	I, me, you, he, him, she, her, it, we, us, they, them	Refer to people or things; change form based on position (subject vs. object)
Possessive pronouns	my, mine, your, yours, his, her, hers, its, our, ours, their, theirs	Show ownership or association
Reflexive pronouns	myself, yourself, himself, herself, itself, ourselves, yourselves, themselves	Refer back to the subject (same person doing the action to themselves)
Demonstrative pronouns	this, that, these, those	Point out specific people or things
Relative pronouns	who, whom, whose, which, that	Connect clauses and introduce information about a noun

They/them pronouns are personal pronouns. They function exactly like other personal pronouns (he/him, she/her, it/it) but are used in broader contexts.

The Full Pronoun Paradigm: Where They/Them Fit

To understand they/them fully, it helps to see them in the complete system of personal pronouns. English pronouns change form depending on their role in the sentence:

Person	Subject Form	Object Form	Possessive (with noun)	Possessive (alone)	Reflexive
1st singular (I)	I	me	my	mine	myself
2nd singular (you)	you	you	your	yours	yourself
3rd singular (he)	he	him	his	his	himself
3rd singular (she)	she	her	her	hers	herself
3rd singular (it)	it	it	its	its	itself
3rd singular (they)	they	them	their	theirs	themself*
1st plural (we)	we	us	our	ours	ourselves
3rd plural (they)	they	them	their	theirs	themselves

*”Themself” is sometimes used with singular they, but “themselves” is more common and universally accepted.

Notice that singular “they” uses the same forms as plural “they.” The difference is in the context: whether you’re referring to one person or multiple people.

Singular “They” Is Not New

Many people think singular “they” is a recent invention created for inclusivity. The truth is older and more interesting. The Oxford English Dictionary documents examples of singular “they” dating back to the 14th century. Writers and speakers have used “they” to refer to a single person when gender was unknown or irrelevant for centuries.

Historical example: “A doctor should always wash their hands before examining a patient.” (We don’t know which doctor, so “their” is singular.)

What’s new is the recognition that people can intentionally choose they/them pronouns as their preferred pronouns, rather than using “they” only as a default for unknowns. This expansion of usage is now reflected in major dictionaries and style guides.

Using Singular “They” Correctly

Singular “they” follows the same grammar rules as plural “they.” The key rule to remember is this: always pair “they” with plural verb forms.

Subject position (they as subject)

Example: They are going to the store.

Example: Did they finish their homework?

Even when “they” refers to one person, the verb stays plural: “are” (not “is”), “finish” (not “finishes”).

Object position (them as object)

Example: I met them at the park.

Example: She complimented them on their presentation.

Possessive forms

Example: Their cat is sleeping.

Example: These are their books.

Example: That book is theirs.

Full Pronoun Sentences with Singular They

Here are five complete example sentences showing they/them in different positions and contexts:

Example 1: My coworker just got promoted. They must be thrilled. (Subject position, after mention of one person.)

Example 2: I’m meeting with my doctor today. I hope they can help me. (Object of a preposition, referring to one person.)

Example 3: Have you seen Alex? They said they’d be here by 3 pm. (Subject and object, both referring to one person.)

Example 4: My friend Jordan loves cooking. Their recipes are amazing. (Possessive pronoun with one person.)

Example 5: Someone left their jacket. Will they come back for it? (Generic singular “they” for an unknown person.)

When to Use They/Them Pronouns

When someone tells you

The most important rule is simple: if someone tells you they use they/them pronouns, use them. This is how you show respect for their identity. If you’re unsure, it’s perfectly acceptable to politely ask: “What pronouns do you use?” Most people appreciate the question.

When gender is unknown

In writing or speaking, when you don’t know someone’s gender, singular “they” is the standard choice. This is how most of us have used it naturally for years:

Example: “Someone called your office. They left their number on your desk.”

Example: “A student might struggle if they haven’t studied.”

In professional and formal writing

Modern style guides (APA, Chicago, Oxford, AP) now accept and recommend singular “they” to avoid gendered language. This makes writing more inclusive and neutral:

Instead of: “A teacher must grade his or her papers.”

Better: “A teacher must grade their papers.”

Common Mistakes with They/Them Pronouns

✗ Incorrect: My friend told me they is coming to the party.

✓ Correct: My friend told me they are coming to the party.

Why: Even singular “they” takes the plural verb form. Always use “are,” not “is.”

✗ Incorrect: Casey is the best student in their class. They studies hard.

✓ Correct: Casey is the best student in their class. They study hard.

Why: The verb must agree with “they” (plural form). Use “study,” not “studies.”

✗ Incorrect: I don’t know where they went. It is probably at home.

✓ Correct: I don’t know where they went. They are probably at home.

Why: Once you’ve introduced someone as “they,” continue using “they.” Don’t switch to “it”—that’s dehumanizing.

✗ Incorrect: They brought their books, but I didn’t see it.

✓ Correct: They brought their books, but I didn’t see them.

Why: If the antecedent is plural (books), use the plural object pronoun (them), not the singular (it).

Practice Quiz

Respecting Identity Through Language

Using someone’s correct pronouns is more than grammar—it’s a sign of respect. Research shows that using someone’s correct pronouns positively affects mental health and well-being, especially for people who use they/them pronouns. Here’s how to make it a habit:

1. Listen and ask. Pay attention to how people introduce themselves. If you’re unsure, ask politely and without judgment.

2. Make mistakes gracefully. If you accidentally use the wrong pronoun, apologize sincerely, correct yourself, and move on. Don’t make a long speech about it.

3. Use gender-neutral language. When you don’t know someone’s pronouns, default to they/them. Use terms like “partner” instead of “boyfriend/girlfriend.” Use “chairperson” instead of “chairman/chairwoman.”

4. Correct others gently. If you hear someone misuse someone else’s pronouns, you can quietly say, “Actually, they use they/them pronouns,” and move forward.

Related Articles

• Personal Pronouns: Subject and Object Forms
• Possessive Pronouns: Is My a Pronoun?
• Demonstrative Pronouns: This, That, These, Those
• ↑ Back to pillar: English Pronouns (Pillar)

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